Part II

Thankfully for you all, my evening playing Taipai on the computer ended disasterously and thus, i decided to continue on with this story. I realized when i reread Part I that there are times when it might appear i write short sentences for effect. But really, as i was telling some aspects of Part II to Sarah this weekend, i could feel my heart rate accelerated and i was aggitated all over again. Also, i apologize for not being able to convey emotions very well through my writing. I can write a kick-ass essay on Kierkegaard (sp?) but when it comes to "journaling", i notice i always sound a bit cliche. So apologies in advance.

Back to the story: I can tell my husband is trying really hard to look and act calm. His eyes betray him. He is scared every bit as shitless as i am. The machines tell me that i am having contractions about 7-8 minutes apart. I can barely feel them. My husband and i debate calling our families but it is so late, though i don't have any idea what time it might be but i might guess it was about 1 or 2am. We decide to wait until we know what is happening to us and our baby boy. The nurses come in periodically to check on me. I pepper them with questions but being nurses, they don't feel they can answer them. No hospital staff will ever speculate on the what ifs--fucking litigious society we live in. They couldn't reassure me that Charlie would be OK. They couldn't tell me what my odds were that i would have him soon or whether he could stay inside of me. Me, being a bit ignorant about this whole thing, didn't know what it really meant for the baby that my water broke. What happens then?
After waiting for so long, the doctor comes in and says that they need to transfer me over to a hospital that is more equipped to handle preemie deliveries. "Should i just drive over with my husband?" No, you will be transported my ambulance. My first ambulance ride.
The trip to the first hospital was pointless. The advice nurse told me on the phone to go to the hospital i would be delivering at. This was poor advice. While nothing dire came of it, it was another layer of stress that we didn't need. Another complication. It was obvious that this little hospital in Vancouver, WA was overhelmed with the complexity of my situation. The nurses seemed unsure. Even the Dr. seemed as though he just wanted to get me off his hands. However, he called over to the hospital we would be going to and he discovered that my OB was on call there. She would see me when i arrived. I had just had a check-up with her on that Tuesday. Everything looked great. No problem. Even scheduled the appointment for if you are overdue. Here it was Thursday night (i guess technically, early Friday morning) and the baby seems to be on his way.
We decide that my husband would drive the car over--follow the ambulance. I hated parting with him but i was still feeling practical: he might need the car. He might need to get me clothes, books, pillows, slippers.
The ambulance staff came. They were young. Younger than me. The guy who was to be in the back with me was cute. That made it even worse. I was in a gown. I flashed them my ass. I was tearful. I had to pee. Do you want a bed pan? the cute one asked. No, i can wait. I can hold it. I was too embarassed. I tried to be charming as i lay in the back and was transported. My water was still leaking out of me. This was one of the most excruciating feelings. I couldn't stop it. Even if i didn't move, the ambulance moved, braked or something, and out came more. I tried to be, like, the coolest scared pregnant lady they ever transported. I still was wondering if my baby was alive. They don't monitor the baby's heartbeat in the ambulance. I was terrified he would die on the way to the hospital and no one would know until we got there. Please can you monitor him? We can't but he'll be fine. We'll be there soon.


I have no idea when we got there. I asked the driver if he could see my husband when he pulled up. He thought he had lost them. As they open the doors and pull me out of the ambulance, i see my gallant husband bounding up. I have no idea how he parked the car so fast and made it to me, but i will never forget the relief and pride i felt when i saw him. I am so in love.

They wheel me through all these bright corridors. They are not sure what floor to take me to. They say it had been awhile since they had to go to the maternity ward. We get to a room and i really don't remember much about this part. I don't know how long it was until my OB comes in and tells me they are going to try to keep me on bed rest for two weeks (35 weeks is the goal when you are preterm--it most likely means the baby won't have to be in the hospital much). They monitor me and they monitor the baby. His heart sounds strong. Relief. I have to go to the bathroom. They want me to go with the nurse in there to help me. I pee in the bedpan. Oh the shame.
They ask me to rank the pain. No pain. Just tightness across my belly. My husband and i obsessively watch the monitor. Is the baby OK? Was that a contraction? Is the baby OK? Is the baby OK? Every 6-8 minutes tightness across my stomach.

Can't do much more writing tonight. This will indeed be a multi-part story. There is so much and it feels so good to recall this story (like a pleasure pain--hurts to think about, good to process: catharsis) Until later. Hope everyone had a decent holiday!